Tears immediately started to flow out of my freshly made up eyes hearing this song this morning.
Eight years ago today my mom went home! Does it still hurt? YES! Is it any easier? NO
These are two questions I will always ask myself.
When will it stop hurting? and
when will it get easier?
The answer is, that for me the hurt is still there and the fact that she is not here is not any easier on me.
I often times get asked, "how do you do it?" Or people say "I could not imagine losing my mother." or my favorite which is "you're so strong!"
Well the truth is, I am not strong all by myself. It is God who is strong for me. He has been my strength though everything. God has blessed me in so many ways with the strength to move forward. Not only is it his plan, but I KNOW it is what my mom would have wanted.
I still crumble from time to time. What people don't see is the crippling cry spells that hurt so much I can only lay crouched around a pillow. The days where I don't want to move and wish I could use my DVR remote to rewind time, just to see her beautiful smile in real time.
My only option when this happens is to get on my knees and pray! And guess what, just as he promised, Jesus always gets me through. Thank you Jesus!
I have amazing people in my life. For starters, my amazing husband. Oh my Matthew, I don't know where id be today with out your understanding and support. I have AMAZING friends, which many have proved to be more family than friends! Each and everyone of my friends has been there for me at some time or another, even if they don't realize it. And of course I have an amazing family. My brother is such an inspiration in my life and we have truly leaned on each other for support. Many of you have met my grandparents, What is not to love right?
So today, eight years later, I would say I am blessed. But it took me being broken to get to this point. A point where I have no choice but to be strong and continue on. It hurts still, but today I chose to celebrate my mom today, celebrate the great person she was. We may not always understand God's plan in our lives, or our loved ones lives, but just trust in him. Not just a little bit but with your whole heart. Let him prove to you that he is the answer.
The above song sums it up completely with every last lyric! =)
Mom,
I miss you more than I could put into words. I want to hug you and laugh with you and of course dance with you! I know you are dancing away in Heaven, and I can say now, that I would not have it any other way. In Heaven, I know you are happy, you are free from pain, you are healthy and your heart is ready and eager to provide the every last beat to get you through what ever you desire. I feel so lucky to have been blessed with Bostyn, I get to see you in her everyday (even in her quirky dance moves) she is full of a rambunctious spirit that I can only tribute to you. My heart aches to know that she will not know you like I do, but I know you are with her.. She says hi to you every time she sees a picture of you (everyday), she knows you are watching her from heaven. "Bostyn, where is Grandma?" "In heben, momma" is her response and my heart flutters with joy. I love you mom! Thank you for raising me to know the Lord and to be a fighter! The best part is that one day we will be together again, and we will be dancing side by side.
Loving you forever,
Desiree
Life is hard, and everyone has their own story. I know that the the hurt I feel may or may not be comparable to what others may be going through. But this is only my story, everyone deals with grief differently.
Sorry to return to blogging with such a serious thought. But it was on my heart so I hit the keyboard. I promise the next one will be full of updates and pictures. =)
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